After talking with a stranger, most people underestimate how much the other person liked them, and the gap can last for months

After meeting someone new, many people replay the conversation in their head, wondering whether they talked too much, said something odd or came across as boring. A team of researchers from several universities decided to measure how accurate those worries are.

In a series of studies published in 2018, Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Gillian Sandstrom and Margaret Clark paired strangers for conversations in the lab, in a workshop and in everyday settings. Afterward, each person rated how much they liked their partner, and how much they thought their partner liked them.

The result was consistent. People liked their conversation partners more than their partners thought they did. The researchers called this the liking gap. It appeared in short conversations and long ones, and among people of different ages.

Why does it happen? When the researchers analyzed what people were thinking during and after conversations, they found that people were often harsh critics of their own performance. They focused on their awkward moments and missed the positive signals the other person was sending, such as smiles and interest.

The most striking part of the research followed college roommates over several months. The liking gap did not disappear quickly. Students continued to underestimate how much their new roommates liked them for months, only gradually closing the gap as they got to know each other better.

The liking gap fits with a broader pattern in social psychology. People tend to underestimate how much others want to talk to them, how much others appreciate a compliment or a thank-you note, and how positively strangers will respond to an attempt at conversation. Our social fears are often bigger than the reality.

This matters because the belief that we made a bad impression can keep people from following up, making new friends or speaking up at work. Knowing that the other person probably enjoyed the conversation more than you think is a reasonable reason to send that message or suggest meeting again.

The studies mostly involved American and British participants, and much of the data came from people meeting under fairly friendly conditions. In tense or competitive situations, the gap may look different. But across the settings tested, the message was the same: you are probably being too hard on yourself.

Source

Boothby EJ, Cooney G, Sandstrom GM, Clark MS. “The liking gap in conversations: Do people like us more than we think?” Psychological Science, 2018.
DOI: 10.1177/0956797618783714